He never asked for my forgiveness and its a private gesture on my end, but its helped me measure my own progress. I hated myself, but there was a thrill and fascination Id never experienced before. I know. DGzCarbon It will take time for me to recover and I think for you too.so be patient with yourself.. And it is unfortunately that you have to see him but I understand that you do and I know I will have to do that toofrom time to time but I just hope I will be able to be less triggered as time passes so he wont affect me anymore. Thanks for reminding us of that . All Free. I can be a little OCD about stuff but I am determined 2 never let him close enough 2 hurt me again so I am NC for life w/him. The more you try to chase those feelings away, the more they remain. Good for you Noquay. Narc with more baggage than an airport. So you do. But it was FWB even if you wanted more. You feel great in the beginning (that high), then slowly, but surely You begin to feel the toll it takes on you, and those closest to you. And find a way to learning about and empowering yourself. If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done and want forgiveness, consider reaching out to those you've harmed. And thenif he doesnt reply more questions. What is the difference between forgiving our enemies and forgiving unrepentant people? She is pathetic. It means theres a part of him thats unhealthy and drawn to her for that reason. The trouble is that when we mistake being cognizant of the past and what another person may have said or done as bearing grudges we lose a vital opportunity to acknowledge our feelings, our own path, and any lessons weve stood to gain from our experiences in general or with a particular person. If you're mostly concerned with the other person understanding where you were coming from and ensuring that they see your side of things, that's another potential sign that you might be holding a grudge. And yes, it is very much like an addiction. but a lot of whether or not you feel forgiving comes down to whats happened that day, what youve eaten, your hormones and all manner of things that you cant do a lot about. Of course, thats easier said than done.Forgiving doesnt mean you forget what happened, or that youve decided it wasnt actually that bad. One thing led to another, and 3.5 months later we got together for a romantic weekend in his country. Its natural to miss your ex but you have to believe you can do so much better than someone who does not want a relationship. I have been NC for 9 weeks, and instead of getting easier it is getting more difficult by the day. Its a good time to find out who your friends are and who are not for some people certainly make you out to be the grudge-bearing sourpuss- which does affect me so I try not to think about itYes, would love Nat to post on this. Something about the sordidness and secrecy kept pulling me toward him. Guys dont like being replaced either, even if it was his choice and a while ago. If we keep acting like we just fell out of the sky into today or that we have to blank out the past, not only do we end up missing out on lots of valuable information and lessons that can help us to increase self-knowledge that helps us better navigate our journey through life, but we also end up having to forget the good too. Rakel D, ed. When I reflect, I have forgiven the assclowns from my past for their bad behavior. I will not let this experience defeat me. I feel murderous rage toward my egg donor. "Preventing yourself from feeling anything requires a lot of effort," Owen said. "If we can hurt them like they have hurt us.". I finally get it now. I wouldnt say that I was a misfit at school but I didnt fit in. I used to watch his house so that I would know when he went out, or who visited. It has helped a lot, they make perfect sense, and confirm what I already believed. *Get a journal. But, same thing happens, again and again. For putting the people who actually do care about you, to the side while w whats his/her face. He has all the lingo down to seem caring stating FWB is not what you want as it is diminishingoh how sensitive he seems NOT! Even if you think you are not good enough for love or that you dont deserve love, know that the moment true love is revealed to you will be the very moment you could live in for eternity. Hes done this before. Are you a codependent who cant get your point across to someone trying to dominate you? It didnt start out this way but 3 months into the relationship something changed. You may be drawn to him, but ask yourself why at this point. It just isnt worth it and it only leads to more frustration, unhappiness and anger in the long run. No MMs is a good one but no-one who knows people I know (for instance)is too limiting. Somehow I found it preferable to have this idealized harmony than to exercise my stronger, more realistic side (which is most decidely alive and well). JBI Evidence Synthesis. You deserve better than that. Good people should allow a person to have as many chances as they ask for' and when our typical mode is people pleaser who worries too much about what everyone else thinks and silences their true self to follow 'shoulds' laid down by the inner critic, we go against ourselves. Grudges are a form of punishment. Text book I tell you. Remember, your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you. It would be better for him if he had a millstone tied around his neck and was cast into the sea than to face God for what he did to this child! The bible also says to flee sexual immorality. What makes someone do that? Thanks dcd, yes it was my daughter and son seeing how he treated me that finally made me make the final breaktheir dad is not like this man at all so they have never experienced someone like this before and the day my daughter faced my ex AC clown and told him that she wished I would tell him to fk off was when I realised that while I was trying to keep my two lives separate it was impacting on my lovely daughter, who never swears let alone had ever hated somebody (and hate him she did). Thats just circumstantial. I would love you to write a post on this Nat. CC, I laughed when you said he reminded you of the guys on Big Bang Theory. Please trust yourself. Mummys boy I had 9 mo r.ship w b4 ex now deceased AC re-entered my life, sent me a facebook friend request y.day. He and I both are, I wanna say, more devout than not. 176 0 obj <>/Filter/FlateDecode/ID[<66743374E283F54183115A33AB330900><03634C9BC5421046A3029327F7E9D2ED>]/Index[156 30]/Info 155 0 R/Length 100/Prev 163381/Root 157 0 R/Size 186/Type/XRef/W[1 3 1]>>stream Holding a grudge means hanging on to the bitterness, resentment, and anger. What are you bearing grudges for? Ill just have to get past this, but yes it hurts. Haley Laferney is the Graphic Designer at Reach Out Recovery and a graduate of Ringling College of Art and Design. So you painfully move on. Lavender, If youre struggling, try thinking of the STDs he may be carrying around with him. %%EOF Why? Kudos to You! Recognize the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life. "Mayo," "Mayo Clinic," "MayoClinic.org," "Mayo Clinic Healthy Living," and the triple-shield Mayo Clinic logo are trademarks of Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. hbbd```b``z"gIiR `m0L`r OS$c;v\T$20m (?cO = I have suffered with obsessive thoughts and cognitive dissonance for years with this AC! He then proceeded to delete me from his skype contacts 10 days later, and he went back (he had deleted his account when he was with me) on the dating website where we had originally met (I have cancelled my own account there). This happened to me or similar. Hard pass! The AC is not worthy of forgiveness, he never understood he did wrong and is pulling the same shite all over again with someone else. I cant turn off deep, authentic feelings. Probably just enough self respect to pull me away from 9+ months with a sociopath. Youve said it a million times: No thanks, I dont want to do it. Youve told someone they have hurt you or been unfair. Im confused. I'm especially proud of you for considering your daughter's feelings. I do not think he knows that I know this or that he is married. That doesnt work, and so I was pouty. and promotions on our books and products! Im told I need to forgive him and speak to him for the sake of our son, but if he hurt me so terribly and he shows minimal interest in parenting, then why should I continue to beat my head against the wall? But to forgive in a way that would be about reintroducing more contact btw them and me into my life would mean forgetting why I had to push back in the first place. "Often, we'll find ourselves avoiding someone that we have resentment or an unresolved issue with," Habash said. But why should I stop going to events and meeting people just because of the AC. Its funny if you were feeding homeless people at 4am you wouldnt beat yourself up about the fact that you didnt much enjoy getting out of bed to do it. Im not a helpless, vulnerable child any more, yet cant bring myself to name them individually when I pray. The difference is that Ive chosen to use this painful experience to grow as a person and that usually means letting go of the past and never looking back. NC is brilliant. But. Ive thoughtnto myself that maybe i was too critical and expected too much from her, and that if i was more accepting it could work out, but the fact is shes with someone else. Each time I had to be around her she would say, whats wrong? Note from the examples: I only need to validate me. Thank you. Mymble I am so glad to hear how you are feeling. Absent father ect The support & encouragement on this site is priceless , That is great advice. Dont waste your time with him. He has respected my wishes however I feel like I lost a friendship entirely different convo. I feel mean standing in my boundaries and yet I also feel empowered thats a new feeling for me. If you hold a grudge about everything others do whether right or wrong, you may be the toxic person in the equation. I guess, Ive been so unwilling to accept that theres no future. When all is said and done, the best revenge is your own happiness and success. To put it simply, you're holding a grudge. Ask your doctor, Forgiveness Letting go of grudges and bitterness. The frenetic-ness of it seems almost like anxiety. And not to take me out either, but asking if I would take him out. Ask yourself, is charm enough to sustain you? I also still feel a lot of responsibility for him, which was the other thing that kept me tied. I guess the attraction is that hes intelligent and I thought he was a nice guy. I have gone through all the possible explanations, mostly that he is a narcissist, certainly emotionally damaged, that he was playing with me, that he got scared, etc. I dont know if this helps but when you feel the urge to contact bear in mind that hes probably doing the same with other women too, and was all along. The final straw was that when I left town out of desperation to do something else,and hang out with other people I returned to find that he was crashing out on my close grilfriends bed saying that he felt his bind with me was stronger if he hung out with my close friends. .What if they have changed? Im sure she doesnt know he overlapped us for many months at the least. Its been over a year, and Im getting better and then suddenly something will hit me and I will crash emotionally. It does get better with NC, really it does. my weakness is intelligence too, but rememberintelligent people can be some of the most effed up folks on the planet. I still get upset, but less frequently. When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger and resentment or embrace forgiveness and move forward. Keep in mind, this is referring to moving on without someone, not with someone. I AM afraid of being told (again) either implicitly or explicitly that I am selfish I know my ex has set me up for that and is oh so careful to always appear the good guy especially to our kids. Ironically it was me who introduced him to most of the people we know. He has feelings we assume and is a person and shouldnt, in my view, be so blatantly and thoughtlessly disregarded as an object of no significance in the context of CCs painful situation or within the context of subsequent responses. It doesnt mean you need to have hateful feelings towards them, but its just sheer survival instinct on your end to step away from the nonsense. Not only that, but you can find yourself taking advantage of any opportunity to let your voice be heard. I cannot be held responsible for a guy not having a backbone :-)! Last off-topic ramble, I promise!!!!!! You may opt-out of email communications at any time by clicking on At all. I am so proud that I went NC and remain focused on therapy to learn self love, self respect. As such, you can follow your conscience and what you think is wise. Order your copy (link in bio)#recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #healthyboundaries #healthyrelationships #baggagereclaim #codependentnomore #peoplepleasernomore #thejoyofsayingno, When someone shows you who they are thats *information*, not judgment of how good youve been or the effort youve made. Merci. He also told me that he has at least six booty call women he calls up when he needs them. Im not sure we can. Natalie, this post is food for thought. If you find yourself stuck: If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you value, forgiveness may lead to reconciliation. Theres a contingency there. It is hard to imagine being free and clear someday. I second guessed myself, I felt guilty and ashamed and I believed him when he said that I was inadequate and wouldnt be able to cope as a mother to my children. Thank you. Is it ok to remember a person who has caused us terrible harm w anger? Tinkerbell- I read your post yesterday, unsure how to reply as I havent been in your shoes. For some reason even though he said this and some other things that I found questionable, I am really drawn to him. We can have good boundaries on one thing and ridiculous ones on something closely related. Back to re-hab analogy Would you? And not in a self-righteous, look Im better than you because Ive forgiven you, you lowlife way, but in a genuine, humble way. What a schmoe. Thank you Natalie. Up until very very recently I would have sung his praises about being a caring good man-Im blown away. Lessons were learned & I am working on me & my EU tendencies which have been there since childhood I am guessing. Grudges aren't uncommon. Ive now had a couple months with the MM at work having gotten the message and having backed completely off. Getting It!- I havent gone to any of my high school reunions as I dont remember high school as being a happy time, havent kept in contact with anyone from high school so what would be the point? Believe them. This is the test to see if you're really holding a grudge. I am an intelligent professional woman-why cant I just forget this an move on. Unfortunately this is a case of When they tell you who they are, believe them. He replied were not over. I did fall for him and did feel an emotional connection even though he is EUM so we became friends then my feelings grew and i thought his did too and we got along much better, until he said he wasnt interested in relationship but kept emailing calling.
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