Unemployed wife won't do housework. Well I see a bunch of women complaining that theyre the sole Breadwinner well yall wanted equal rights .and up until the 60s thats how it was was the man worked and one paycheck took care of the family while the woman stayed home and now yall have that and youre complaining well Im a man and Im the sole Breadwinner and things are difficult which could be easier if there were two paychecks but I dont complain about it because thats my role in life yall wanted equal rights well you got them are you having fun yet? Wow! I told him this the same day that August 1 was my last day and this gives him six months to find a job. We planned for 8 months on him quitting. My kids are now grown and I now have a grandson now. It is lonely and very isolating and sole destroying. But with the children (esp the young one) thing get more complicated. I also had not sold my home in the UK due to the financial crash so still had one leg there. He got TEFL certified and is looking for jobs in South Korea and I am working on my certification but its so hard to do my coursework when I have a full time job. The man is supposed to be the bread winnerat least in the traditional sense. You enjoy your jobs, he enjoys his. Im in the same situation, my fiance has been working part time jobs since we met 6 years ago and has never really liked working for anyone else. Its hard. I find myself at the same juncture right now albeit Ive been living with my partners unemployment (and all its subsequent spillovers) for only a year I cat imagine living with it for 4. This little girl said over and over money doesnt matter, everything else does So, I quit my daily grind job to take care of my dying Momma, and havent been able to find proper work/proper pay since. Men are perpetrators. The person questioned whether I knew how far I would driving when I took the job. At this moment, unemployment is taking a toll on these four realms; however, the trick to lessening unemployments severe control is self-care. What happens then and the details around this are still up in the air. I know its harder than it sounds but you CAN do it. Ive always worked always have but due to the nature of my work clients cancel and as I work as self employed I dont get paid when they do. As for how to bring it up, Alicia Clark, a Washington, D.C.-based therapist, said to avoid blunt criticism that might, however unfairly, make you seem like a nag. Before we met and got together, he was apparently a very hard worker with a great job. I finally found a job in another state, discussed it with him and he agreed to me going. Promise you wont damage yourself for a man! I have never seen her father compliment her or hug her; but he is not afraid to ask her for money). A Delicate Balance. I dont want to go into debt for anyone. So, dear partners, be good to yourself and feed your mind, body, and soul. Hes amazing with me- caring- loving- sweet but his dark side is scary. The Best Street Style From Paris Fashion Week. must be fricking nice, is all I have to say. I love her but Im so beyond tired of the same old, same old & nothing ever changing or improving for her. And when he couldnt go to his social gathering, he yelled. He has a full time well paid job but his dad says he doesnt have to pay anything to live with us. Right now, my prayer is to find some type of friend or community or even support group! Dont feel bad, yall. I love him but all of this is kind of turning me off. he dont like me touching his cellphone, he feels i am spying on him. The only money he brings in now is he has started cutting grass for some family and friends, so maybe thats like $50 a week. at this age I dont know another way out without violence which results in tickets and jail for the male. I did some online dating for a week and then later found a wonderful, GIVING man who had his stuff together: steady job, willingness to do what it takes to get things done, and GRIT. We arent teenagers. To her husband, she was extremely supportive and tactful. Thats because there is always someone in their lives picking up their messes, paying the bills. So it probably isnt a case of people not trying hard enough or not seriously looking for work. In many cases, there simply isnt work to be found unless you have some kind of specialty like a degree in the medical field or something. Be patient, be supportive., I think to myself, Me, be patient? OMG, this society and this generation is f****d up! When we first met he was finishing his studies for his second degree, and ended up moving from the Netherlands to London to do an internship to finish. Then a 3 month temp job that ended with ..surprise surprise a back injury, 10 months of workmans comp and a small settlement to pay him off. There is no sign of marriage or kids, so I am in limbo. Wheres a real woman with a heart for little ole me!? My boyfriend has had 2 jobs in the year and a half weve been together. Since the kids came to live with me, their grades have improved dramatically (I insist on a routine, and assist them with homework daily). My husband has been in and out of jobs for most of our marriage20 years now. Everyday she went to work in the morning, took off by lunchtime, went to the hospital, received her daily dose of radiotherapy, went home, slept it off at home in the afternoon. Its been 5 years since he last worked. All rights reserved. Always remember that you and your husband are a team and not opponents; you are in a relationship for the long haul. It seems that something always happens as soon as he gets these jobs; he suddenly gets a cold and has to take time off; or gets the either you quit or well fire you scenario, or a layoff. The complaining is endless and the idea is supposed to be that if men aren't . He doesnt have much family and I have the polar opposite. Patient through him not getting right on it after he lost his job waiting close to 8 months before starting his search. Just read your post and it sounds like me!!! Too many of them require money, which clearly we dont have. Get over it and realise that what we need is your understanding. The only thing you can do if you partner behievour is not accepted and not able to change after in dept discussions. He has applied for six jobs in that year SIX!!! I have a daughter of 2 years. Im sorry if this was rambling, just need to get it off my chest. He wont look for work or try to get a job, we r still living with friends like we r teenagers, as if he could careless, knowing that like always, somehow someway i will fix our problems n i cant with out the help of another income this time. I just turned 30 and I knew I wanted a family and man I can count on. .why cant I get a bit of understanding? Instead, tell your partner how you feel when you are overburdened with responsibilities. Dear friends, As you said, you are not stupid. I am the bread-winner and only make about $55K. I understand you may not want to leave your bf as he somehow may give you some emotional support. I dont need him to provide for me so I can quit working, or to buy me lavish things. Dishes filling up the sink..and complains to me and the kids that no one does anything. He is looking and is on the computer a lot applying for positions but it doesnt seem to get results. Thank you for your comment, Anickh. We basically all just grew up together. My husband was either under employed or un employed by choice most of our 25 years together. I had to finally take a stand and stop. He was supportive for the week when I was really down, but in mentioning the upcoming memorial service (delayed due to the aforementioned family issues) this morning, he said he had completely forgotten about it, as he had other things on his mind. DEAR ANONYMOUS 2: You switch assignments to give him things he can't function without. I have become very depressed and anxious thanks to him and this relationship and Im slowly starting to feel like it is my fault, not his. Should I quit and we can live on the streets? For parents, the unconscious agreement might be, I prioritize the needs of my children above the needs of my relationship or myself, she explained. Search warrants reveal that police discovered a knife and a gun while investigating Bryan Kohbergers car and his family home. Today he got so angry one of his coworkers actually asked him if he was going to hit him. Havent been intimate in months and only go 2 days max without a big fight. Its a little overwhelming. It is not easy to keep up with home, family, kids, cooking, cleaning, laundry, dinners, chores, running around, budgeting, etcto begin with. I hope that you are in a better place now, physically, emotionally, or relational, either with or without him. Ive been the provider for five years due to the fact that my husband cant hold on to a job. They dont understand how flooded the market is, how few jobs are open and how picky everyone is being. Its not your problem if he has no where to go. ), Dont assume that your partner should just get it. Tell them its bothering you, Smith said. My husband has been out of a full time job for 6.5 years. Stepping back can be difficult, but doing so can change your entire dynamic. Coping with a Spouse with a Mood Disorder. I met this guy last July. (And to be fair, he usually listened.) I am very close with the kids (ages 11 to 16), and take care to prioritize their needs. I have left with my son a handful of times to stay at hotels and get away from him. I dont want to work in the job Ive got but I know I cant leave as I have to pay the mortgage and all of the bills we have no savings as every time I get close to being able to put something aside an emergency crops up with our daughter who lives away at university and I have to fly out to her or pay for her flight back to us. . I hope he cares for you more than a couple of guys that play soccer together. I meekly, though with loads of tears, agreed and signed on the understanding then when I and sorted myself out and sold my home in England I would pay off my share in our new home and become an owner of it again. Im afraid in a way to talk on here.im no good with computers and such but God brought me here I guess. But he lived with a mutual friend & i found out that he was continuing to see her building from an emotional affair to a sexual one. She spends most days playing video games and watching netflix and has no ambition. When I do, he asks me if I NEED monies? It breaks my heart that so many other people are going through the same thing. Now? Any advice? Long-term unemployment can be a debilitating experience, made worse by the self-loathing that compounds the problem. Finding this site and reading these comments is really helping me. Keep up a daily practice however much as could reasonably be expected. There will never be statues made in our likenesses, nor will there ever be a Remembrance Day for the daily wars we fight but know this: you men will never take from us our most important resource the ability to get up one more fcling time than you knock us down. So, the next 6 months are spent creating a system to capture all the job opportunities again without ACTIVELY sending out tens of applications. plays video games, watches movies, youtubes, and plays with his cat. I nearly left a month a go. My elderly grandparent needed someone to stay with them and thats what we are doing. I work full time, but I cant cover all the bills, so Im struggling to cover what I can. He pretends yo be kind and says he just will do whatever I say and then less than a week later he is back to his old self again. He plays that until it's time for bed. However, one job he went too, he got sick two weeks after starting and got let go, it wasnt his fault, but it seemed to trigger something, ever since then, he cant keep a job for more than a few weeks or months at a time. Go on strike and do the absolute minumum required to keep you and your child alive. Yet when he does come along to help, all he does is complain about how much he hates the work! In hes appling himself and get jobs but its not even exciting to even hear about them anymore .Im just like good you have a job lets see how long you gone keep it. I reported it to the cops and CPS. I changed tactic, went all peaceful and worked on a solution I could do alone. For these with children issue like me, I choose to put up with and wait my children grow up. U can not hope to choose way A to reach destination B. Ie. Its hard and we have children not an easy answer. When things get critical financially he asks his sick mother for money and she sends it. David, I think for most women with long-term unemployed spouses its not about being money-grubbing at all. Loss. A, you cant blame yourself. Bc he feels he cant plan until he has an income which I completely agree. But i have really loved that girl . Wheres my hope! Im frustrated because it does NOT take a YEAR to get a job..ANY job, I dont care if its flipping burgers. Stays up late at night. Try praying to God for wisdom. How long do I let this go on? I love him.I really do. So I am trapped in this situation where he will never ever be happy. At the end of the day, if any of us want to be adults, then we need to stop bitching about life and do what needs to be done. Let it roll off. Ive been understanding but Im tired and like others, I want to be taken care of for a change. I do not have any answer for you.sadly I am in exactly the same boat. Help your significant other comprehend that the time you spend on yourself will enable you to be a better life partner when youre as one because it will. Or, find someone else to mooch off of. Please do not lose hope! You need to STOP enabling your boyfriend by taking care of him. The new cars are now sitting in a parking lot in our apartment complex-costing us about $1,000 per month to sit in a parking lot, as I dont need mine to get to work, and he never leaves the house except for an occasional grocery pick up or doctors appointment. Be strong. Thank you for this thread. I havent read ALL of these (wow, there are a lot of people in similar circumstances to mine), but what I really want to know is HOW to break up with a partner that is so dependent on you. The only thing I can say in his defense is that he takes the trash out though not until its overflowing. Of course, one staff paycheck would not cover a family of 3 kids + 1 unemployed husband. Just speaking the truth. It wouldve come with a hefty raise and health insurance but the stress of having to work longer hours and then come home to a dirty house, help with homework, and taking care of him got to me and I had to step down during the probationary period. I dont even like looking at him. I feel the other issue is just not being able to speak to anyone, because I dont want to come across as a selfish bi**h who isnt supporting her fianc as I should. Its beyond frustrating. Like his own father, my husband also won't do dishes. i was very hurted myself. He has always been my rock and helped me since he hasnt been able to find a good job since the restaurant closed down. In 9 years that we have been together, he was not working for 4 Like everyone else, I was supportive at first then resentful of my situation. plus I dont see myself dealing with this the rest of my Iife. There a Taiwan famous writer he was put in jail many many years ago for political reason. I am unhappy with his family what kind of family does a man like that come from? He does occasional tutoring, but maybe pulls in $200/month on average. It was also found by the study that increases in the husband's market work hours and increases in the wife's household work hours had negative effects on the probability of divorce. My honest advice would be to really, deeply consider if you want to stay in this marriage. I also put up with it because I made a commitment and I dont want to give up easily. We then decided to add a building but there has to be land preparation for that. he literally is home all day long. My significant other (of 26 years) worked in the MSP industry, and was making pretty good money at the time, so we could still manage to support our high rent, and the two new cars that we had purchased over the last couple of years to commute to our jobs. Some days I just want to pack him up and move him out. I have nowhere to go. By 2002 my husband, whom everyone told me adored me, left for another woman who was an American full of ambition and drive (just as I have been before I got sick). Grab Now! The author enumerates various reasons as to why husbands do not help women in everyday household work as much as they should. I understand my husband is tired and works a lot more and brings significantly more money into the home than I do. Had not even couraged to tell my parents and wife that I am without job these days. My parents have been paying our rent and utilities for over a year, and if it werent for them, wed be homeless. 3 yrs in making more $ than I ever have. Life exists after this drama ends. He does the dishes and unloads the dishwasher. My husband got sick- turned out to be appendicitis, but it took the docs a year to figure it out. I am currently in a relationship that has been going since i was in the 10th grade. No one promised you or owes you anything. Im haunted already. Im confused. As they are the most import thing for me to fight for my whole life. But how long do I have to massage his ego and carry the weight? I can no longer be patient. It is soooo.difficult the bad days I self harm just to get some release. She has a million excuses why she cant or wont find work. I love her so much and want to keep supportign her emotionally, but after 6 years of supporting her and now supporting a family by myself, Im running on empty. Her husband simply looked at paid employments as a demeaning thing to do. She thought it was the end of the world that she was already over 30 and still unmarried. I have informed my mother that, without wanting to sound as selfish, I will support my sister and her family up to December 2016, but after that I need to take some time off. My husband used to make 6 figures. you can not expect doing nothing with the lazy long term unemployed husband change and your life will become better. This of course has engendered an inevitable defiance toward authority. I am so scared our son will get seriously injured again. Hubby and I were working as waiters but I was able to find an office job that pays for bills, he wanted to try his luck too but it didnt happen for him. As a positive person, it is incredibly draining to me to not only be the breadwinner and emotional cheerleader, but also to only hear negative things from him and never be able to voice my own concerns. So it appears at least, that the only group who benefited from this..are the MEN. And start looking.. I could have boosted my business with that money and doubled it even more. As if I can afford to do that! My problem is I have a you g child with my partner and i do not know where I would live or what work I would find, and how I could support me & my child. I do the chores. Ive been working at a job that pays significantly more than my previous jobs but Im living hand-to-mouth because I have to pay everything. I know some of the things you are thinking right now. If I ask him, he won't do . I had become very clingy and dependent and had developed what I didnt know was called learned helplessness. ", While it's not clear if Tamara's husband agreed, he gave credit where it was due. I suppose I was running away and subconsciously wanted to be looked after. I seem to convince myself to just hold on, make sure he is working good then tell him to go, but it never happens. And yeah, I can say that because mines unemployed too, but hes the polar opposite of lazy. I live in fear of emergency expenses. Drop her and run before . We live paycheck to paycheck. Not just for yourself, for your family as well. But it is hard to admit you have been wrong about someone you had such loving feelings for. Yet despite paying a third of the rent and none of the bills, on his days off he will just play online and just wear boxer shorts. I am 52 years old and tired. We only have one car, and theres no public transportation where I live, and my husband needs the car to try to get work and to transport his son, so I can only attempt at working from home, which I have been trying with no luck. And a very big part of me wants to have my work bonuses paid directly to me with cash that he never knows about so I can spend it directly on me.. Oh god I just re-read my comment and I know I sound like a spoilt brat. Give support. It is what it is. He quit working after years of being fired after 1-2 years at most jobs. Id love to go on and on, but lets just say Im jealous of women whose spouses are gainfully employed. We live at my moms because we have to. Try doing that and having no time to yourself because suddenly they are there all. These places love serving up heaping helpings of humble pie and doing all that they can to damage the ego of someone with a high and mighty attitude to bring them down a couple of pegs. He has long criminal background and always uses that for an excuse. Now our two boys are 4.5 and 3 year old and in full time daycare. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Or, you can challenge your own thinking. Its so hard because I love him so much :( every day he looks at my bank account and pressures me about money. I have explained the he is to take care of the house and he stated he will try better, but there i was on Sunday morning cleaning the house (while he sat in the chair reading) that should have been done while i am at work for over 9hrs a day. I live off nothing now. I still go out once in awhile, but I mostly just work. There is a big gap between my boyfriend and me. Do you have beliefs about who should be doing what chores? I could live by myself, date a little bit, have a dog, and just enjoy life instead of carrying him all the time. Ive been on disability for the past few months and its the only money i have. Note: I just returned after I was fired almost two years ago for nothing on my part. Stop being such a bloody snowflake. This is not logical and everyone knows. Not too long before our son was born. Well,if you dont, youre going to keel over, for one. I wanted to be a chef for years. Hes been trying to trade commodities for all these years and no breakthrough. Hell survivehes not a child. Women are EXPECTED to work outside of the home AND inside of the home, and MEN are the winners of the womens lib movement? Paying rent paying bills. Sit down with him and talk, and let him know that what he's feeling is okay. Most of his days are spent in the recliner watching TV crime shows. I am torn as I feel fairly confident that hes the one for me, yet I dont see much coming from him in terms of support. Advertise on The Marriage Counseling Blog, The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory. They are vehemently opposed even though theyve seen my husbands overt idleness, drinking belligerence and embarrasing inebrietion in public and at home. I dont know what to do, but I do know that I dont have feelings for him anymore. And I started over with darn near nothing. I really loved reading your blog. He will not own his failure, learn from it and move on. He doesnt help with bills except cable because he sits all day and watches tv, he does no house cleaning or laundry. So helpful to know im not alone. This tore me apart. Now i question, why is he even here? I have been supporting my boyfriend for nearly 4 years. This article was written by Amy Morin, LCSW, and posted I actually felt better reading all these responses because i know I am not alone and I have a place to vent. I mean, we love each other and we both see a future together, but If i dont find something soon, we wont be able to pay next months rent and it would have been my fault because I was supposed to have a job by now. I tried talking to him about my feelings and concerns and nothing changes. If one of you prefers to do chores on the weekend and the other wants to relax, this can lead to anger and resentment from both sides. For my 2 children I have to work hard no matter how. Please know you are not alone. I have been going through this lifestyle with my husband of 9 years and together for 18 Lord knows how long. Third, map out any debt they have accumulated and come up with a budget so they can work . Do not keep a scorecard, as this will only slow down the understanding between the two of you. why are you ladies putting up with this crap? Husband works for a union in the city. If you dont admit the reality you will keep suffering. Here are some of the things that are going through your head, and I will acknowledge that some of them may be perfectly legitimate. Weve been together 2 and a half years. I am glad I stumbled upon this website. Ive stayed with her even though she cheated for the first few months of our relationship, I put myself in debt to help clear HER debt, had to put my education and goals on hold, so that I can work full time to support both of us. If I get work .. We will split up .. Im truly done too .. Its just ironic that all the years when he didnt work and I did ,, he refused to break up. Hope youre situation has improved. My heart is breaking because I find myself thinking what if he never ever gets hired or gets a client for web work? Am I being mean or rude? The last three shes totaled about 3 months of work. He will not clean. In a perfect world, both partners would work toward the success of their relationship. The impact of male unemployement affects female partners too. It just goes on and on and on. He did buy me very decent Christmas gifts with his money. I cant stand being home for too long I like to get out and have fun even if its going to the park! You can ditch your "tried broaching the subject" tactic and communicate better with your husband: "Maybe this is right for our family, but it really bothers me that I . Ideally, we could have addressed this earlier in our marriage, but I didnt mind it as much when we were both working and busy. I know I will get flack for this, but I just cant believe what men these days are expecting of their wives. 1. There were rejections, interviews, and even jobs-in-hand that folded at the last minute thanks to the tanking economy. I have found job after job. Nagging creates more marital problems. This is not where I expected to be at 41. In the begginingy family didnt accepted our relationship but then I started studying and m boyfriend also. We only have one car and are trying to get back on our feet. 155: What the Bible Says About the Church, Greenies and Commies Partner For Propaganda, Montenegros EU Membership Key to Opposing Russias Imperial Aspirations, The Economic Case for Better Recycling Policy, From a Progressive Christian Antagonist to a Christian Advocate. I never had a day off with work and household chores. I have supported our family solely on savings for over 3 years he got 2 small technical internship jobs which lasted only 4 months each and in the last year & 2 months we have had only 6-8 months top of his employment. I am now having all the same thoughts that I read through this great thread. He tells me I should be more understanding since what he is doing for us is worth millions. Find what works for you. Constantly wanting to make long boring repetitive conversation. Me too. And yes, honey. For me , as long as it give me money I dont mind the nature of work. If they are not the type of motivated person who will better our lives, then are they trying the best to look after the family and support those around them?